Breaking Free
We have become prone to creating a phantasm of an irony around ourselves which may be as a result of external stimulus, we have the fear of what the opposite of that ironic phantasm may look like and even being left with our own thoughts is a nightmare to many. Unfortunately, our addiction to this condition (ironic phantasm) has significant consequence that could be a danger to our mental and physical health.
I always felt the urge to write about breaking free, perhaps because i need to break free from a particular character, person or whatever. My thoughts were all disillusioned and i did not know. I know you must be wondering what i mean, but keep reading and you'll find out.
Exams had ended, i finished my defense with the economy getting so bad, and the rise and rise of dollar, i decided to go home and continue my search for greener pastures. I was so excited to go back to my lovely family that i had forgotten i was leaving my new home, a place i always loved from my very soul. It was so easy leaving and i was so full of excitement and hope for better days. The trip back home was stressful because i had to deal with my plenty bags and the thought of leaving my brother in the care of my sister Eva (she's lovely but you do not want to leave anything in her care).
As i was on my trip, all i could think of was the varieties of food my mum had prepared for me as it is her tradition to make all kinds of dishes when one is coming home after a very long journey. Everything felt so new on my arrival to Lagos, even the air felt Nigerian. I was finally at home! although I felt uneasy and at the same time, full of happiness. The joy of me returning home was just like a new bride going away to her husband's place, I was celebrated. My mother could not hide her joy and it was a good feeling seeing her happy which is one of my goals in life.
But i knew this feeling would not last, as the treatment i received was just temporal and i would soon turn to an old cargo. Slowly, the spotlight on me faded, it started with me doing my regular chores and even more. At first, i enjoyed it because i had been on my own for such a long time, i had no one to tell me what to do, or suggest what to eat, or not to think of the massive bills that kept coming every other week. I was elated and would jump up at any call, i was excited to do everything!
As the weeks passed, i began to miss my previous independent lifestyle and would lock myself in my room for hours trying to avoid the non-stop sounds in my very busy home. Fortunately, i live i a home where we have just a few hours to ourselves, our whole day is being taken by one activity or another, sometimes which is very frustrating but then, i count it all as a blessing.
After the episodes of me locking myself up, i was offered to work for my mother which was the last thing i wanted to do. It was a decision i did not have the option of making, so grudgingly I started out working for her. I remember my first day, i spent most of it staring at the clock and wishing i could fast forward time. I was even more annoyed at the sudden friendship and ridiculous advice my co-worker was offering, i almost asked him to shut up but that would be so rude so i kept calm and ended my first day with no incident. I continued my work quietly with my mind also focused on how to get myself back to my independent lifestyle. I had missed waking up to just a few people around me, getting waakye in the morning, taking a stroll with my brother or sister around the neighborhood, strolling was out of question at home. I was gradually pulling myself in a shell, it was worse as i did not have even a friend in Port Harcourt. I was alone, nothing could really interest me, i tried to be happy whenever i could but i just felt trapped!
I then created this phantasm that kept me going for sometime, but i know i needed to break free, to become. I would stay awake all night thinking, plotting on how to get to the next step. it was a difficult time for me. But then, my opportunity came and i seized it like it was gonna vanish the next second. Even when i did not know how to make it work, i just lived in the moment as i always have with so much of hope and faith on God. Even though after i left everything did not go as planned, but then, i was happy to wake up with the feeling i had craved for, i was myself and waiting for the next moment hoping for the best and i was sure i had walked out of that illusion i had put myself in when i felt trapped.
If you feel trapped in an illusion you created for yourself, a situation you cant control, take all the time you need to heal, moving on doesn't take a day. It takes a lot of steps to break free of your unbroken self!
As i was on my trip, all i could think of was the varieties of food my mum had prepared for me as it is her tradition to make all kinds of dishes when one is coming home after a very long journey. Everything felt so new on my arrival to Lagos, even the air felt Nigerian. I was finally at home! although I felt uneasy and at the same time, full of happiness. The joy of me returning home was just like a new bride going away to her husband's place, I was celebrated. My mother could not hide her joy and it was a good feeling seeing her happy which is one of my goals in life.
But i knew this feeling would not last, as the treatment i received was just temporal and i would soon turn to an old cargo. Slowly, the spotlight on me faded, it started with me doing my regular chores and even more. At first, i enjoyed it because i had been on my own for such a long time, i had no one to tell me what to do, or suggest what to eat, or not to think of the massive bills that kept coming every other week. I was elated and would jump up at any call, i was excited to do everything!
As the weeks passed, i began to miss my previous independent lifestyle and would lock myself in my room for hours trying to avoid the non-stop sounds in my very busy home. Fortunately, i live i a home where we have just a few hours to ourselves, our whole day is being taken by one activity or another, sometimes which is very frustrating but then, i count it all as a blessing.
After the episodes of me locking myself up, i was offered to work for my mother which was the last thing i wanted to do. It was a decision i did not have the option of making, so grudgingly I started out working for her. I remember my first day, i spent most of it staring at the clock and wishing i could fast forward time. I was even more annoyed at the sudden friendship and ridiculous advice my co-worker was offering, i almost asked him to shut up but that would be so rude so i kept calm and ended my first day with no incident. I continued my work quietly with my mind also focused on how to get myself back to my independent lifestyle. I had missed waking up to just a few people around me, getting waakye in the morning, taking a stroll with my brother or sister around the neighborhood, strolling was out of question at home. I was gradually pulling myself in a shell, it was worse as i did not have even a friend in Port Harcourt. I was alone, nothing could really interest me, i tried to be happy whenever i could but i just felt trapped!
I then created this phantasm that kept me going for sometime, but i know i needed to break free, to become. I would stay awake all night thinking, plotting on how to get to the next step. it was a difficult time for me. But then, my opportunity came and i seized it like it was gonna vanish the next second. Even when i did not know how to make it work, i just lived in the moment as i always have with so much of hope and faith on God. Even though after i left everything did not go as planned, but then, i was happy to wake up with the feeling i had craved for, i was myself and waiting for the next moment hoping for the best and i was sure i had walked out of that illusion i had put myself in when i felt trapped.
If you feel trapped in an illusion you created for yourself, a situation you cant control, take all the time you need to heal, moving on doesn't take a day. It takes a lot of steps to break free of your unbroken self!
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